From April the Government’s mandatory code on alcohol retailing will require us to give free tap water to customers or face a £20,000 fine &/or 6 months in prison.

I can’t help but feel this is just a little over the top! Isn’t a customer, by definition, a person or organisation that buys goods or services from a store or business. So why would the Government force us to give away something that cost us money?

We have a particular female ‘customer’ who has come to the pub on busy Saturday evenings for years.

She always sits at a prime dining table next to the log fire.

She complains if the temperature in the pub drops below hot house levels and if it does she avails herself of one of our fleecy blankets.

She takes advantage of our waitress table service for drinks.

She uses our loos, loo roll, soap and drying facilities (making an assumption here because I can’t say we’ve ever monitored this)

She is always the last to leave.

She has only ever consumed free tap water, with ice and lemon, at our pub.

So what does her ‘custom’ cost us?

We buy her glass.

We buy her water. We are metered for water so could calculate this.

We pay a barman to pour her water

We pay to train the said barman.

We pay for his uniform.

We pay for the ice in her water from our lovely new £1000 ice machine which requires more water, electricity, cleaning, regular maintenance and PAT testing.

We pay for the lemons.

We pay for the cutting board and knife to slice the lemon.

We pay a waitress to take her glass of water to her table and collect it when she has finished with it.

We pay to train the said waitress.

We pay for her a uniform.

After removing her lipstick smears by hand, we wash her glass in our fabulous but demanding electric glass washer (as well as the usual detergent and rinse aid this requires a thorough stripping down and cleaning every night and, because we are in a very hard water area, it needs regularly descaling and regeneration of the water softener, along with regular maintenance and PAT testing)

We paid for the chair she sits on.

We paid for the table she rests her glass of water on, alongside the coloured glass candle holder and night-light.

We pay for the oil for the central heating and regular maintenance of this old temperamental system.

We pay for the fire lighters, matches, kindling, coal and logs for the fire she so loves.

We pay for the lovely, warm, fleecy blankets provided for customers using the patio to keep out the night chills.

We pay to launder the said blankets using even more water.

We pay for the water she uses to flush the loo. The loo roll. The soap & water she hopefully uses to wash her hands and the individual terry hand towel she dries them on.

We pay for the complimentary sanitary products and hand cream she helps herself to.

We pay to launder the said hand towels using even more water.

We pay a cleaner to come in on Sunday morning to clean the loos, replenish the loo rolls, hand towels, hand cream. Rake out and set up the fire. Roll up and return the fleecy blanket to it’s shelf. Vacuum the carpets where she sat and polish the table she rested her glasses of free water on.

I could go on and often do!  There’s a cost element to having any customer in a pub. Even just one solitary person. We still have to comply with regulations and face the same overheads as we do if the pub is full. Risk assessments, fire drills, staff training, mandatory signage, mandatory inspections and testing, maintenance, cleaning, insurance, business rates, tax, VAT, various licenses, lighting, heating and don’t even get me started on pubco rents!

So all in all her custom costs us a fair bit but we continue to give her free tap water, with ice and a slice and service with a smile. Why? Because she is a ‘customer’ and customers are the lifeblood of any retail business.

And that’s just it. There is no getting away from the simple fact that we are retailers and fundamentally we’re no different to any other retailer. We buy products and sell them to customers. Be it beer, food or, it could be argued, water.  I wonder if this Government would ever make a law forcing other retail sectors to make free something that they pay for? Will the major supermarkets also be forced to give free water to customer? I somehow doubt it!

Fortunately for us we have more than one customer and most of them actually buy something from us!